This fall, I threw in the towel; or rung the bell, or tapped out. Or whichever other metaphor you like for taking a break1. I was out of go go juice, and had been for a while.
I have chronic stress, which has kept me from working since mid October. A lot of it is stemming from my (very stressful, admittedly) job and line of work; but gestures broadly isn’t helping either.
Me being me, I have been actively trying to minimize some of these external stressors, while staying informed enough. And not suddenly looking up and having lost a few hours to short form videos; as well as other attention stealers. One of my values is having purpose in my actions, which slipping in to a Reels coma isn’t very aligned with; disregarding any information overload I might incur.
My “cellphone” isn’t. It is a very capable personal computer, with access to all the worlds “content”. Not all of this content is actually sparking joy in my life, as it were.
I need to delete Threads. Again. I get snagged by Meta showing me a Meta thread, so I re-download it. And because interesting threads are full of drama, I have a feed full of asshole neighbors, asshole husbands or asshole presidents, none of which improve my mood. I have had interesting metal or fitness discussions, mind, but the signal-to-noise ratio is quite low.
And again, falling in to threads in the bathroom has no Purpose. Almost negative Purpose, in fact. I could try and curate my feed more, I guess, but that seems like Work.
My home screen is monochrome grey, with no social apps on the main screen. I at least need to swipe right to the app library to find time wasters.
I have banished notifications from Instagram. My that app is chatty. Reddit and Facebook are gated behind screen time limits - so I at least need to decide to spend more time there. Facebook has very little value beyond Marketplace, to be frank; which is why it has the same time limit as local classifieds apps and AliExpress. Altogether too much time has been spent window shopping computer parts.
Facebook could almost be removed, except it does have some value beyond classifieds. And the app is actually better than the desktop web view for some things now. The time limit for Reddit might as well not be; because many google searches go there. So then I need to unblock Reddit anyway; sometimes losing the link target on the way.
I have trained myself out of mindlessly opening these apps though. I get news over RSS; and go looking on classifieds if I need something specific. I would like an iPhone e-reader app with adorer sync support (or just straight KoReader, but that seems unlikely). I would much rather read a book while in a waiting room rather than refresh Reddit or (*shudder*) Threads.
I had also fallen into a trap of consuming too much dour content about the, well, everything* going on these days. This was mostly in podcast form. I want to stay informed as I keep living in historical times; but two daily podcasts2 was maybe a little extra. Two weeklies3 also got ditched, without me missing them at all. I now have three podcasts keeping me informed about the political and legal madness unfolding in the USA.
And I stopped refreshing the “News” feed on Reddit endlessly. That helped immensely; along with adding The Guardian to my RSS reader4.
My wife, for similar reasons, has gone over to a dumbphone as a daily carry. I am not yet quite ready to go that far. This was part of the impetus to gray out my home screen, to make it less attention-grabbing. I have a grayscale filter for the whole thing too, but keep forgetting to re-enable it.
I also 3D printed a keychain holder for my Apple Watch; with the intention of using it as a kinda-sorta dumbphone. There are a few deal breakers though:
Overcast handles podcasts well enough, and Prologue does it for audio books5.
And having the phone around while out and about is immensely practical, of course. But I can leave it behind, and still be available if emergency strikes. I can even tap-to-pay with it.
Yes, it has helped immensely. I have less decision fatigue, even if I “have” to make more decisions about how to spend my time. My time feels like my own again. I actually read, and write, and take photos with my (not very, but more than my iPhone) camera. And draw. And be more present socially. It also helps maintain my sleep hygiene – if I remember to leave my phone behind.
I also become very aware if I am invested in the book I am reading, by observing if I bring my book or my iPhone to bed. Or not, as it were (the current candidate is more than a little challenging for me).
And I still dissociate to short form vertical video. It is (mostly) a conscious decision though; where I can recognize what Is happening and decide to continue or not.
Window shopping online has been nearly eliminated. And it has been no great loss.
There are both free and paid versions of apps that utilize NFC tags or QR codes to make opening certain apps even more of a conscious act. This could be investigated further, if I say wanted to be even more deliberate in where certain apps are to be opened. Facebook is mostly a social glue kind of app, that I get very little value from otherwise. Having to scan something before opening it might not be that bad.
Or I could go full 2005 and get a dumbphone and a Zune again.
On page 216 of “Unmasking Autism” is a request to reflect on how your life is in accordance with your values.
This excercise isn’t included in the worksheets online for some reason, but I found it rather relevant anyway. Also, I wrote the draft for this before I revisited my values for the previous post, som my initial thoughts were quite oriented towards “being without concern” as the framing value. Also, I am not at all following the “instructions” for this, as it were, beyond using the headlines as a discussion starter.
Currently, my days are rather unusual, given I am on long term sick leave. There are tasks enough anyway. Children need to get to school, and get home again. Groceries and laundry and other household tasks are inescapable. They do have a purpose, though, and a relevance. Not going to work gives room to recuperate and reassess my life going forward (corny, sure, but also accurate).
Working full time in a high-stress job, I had precious little time to recuperate, and often had very low energy reserves when I got home. After family and household obligations, there was not very much time or energy to pursue creative endeavors. It is, naturally, easier to find time in my current situation; even if energy is less consistent.
It probably is part of existing in our end-stage capitalist hellscape; but most of my time is not at all my own; and what time I do have has many demands on it. My flesh suit needs some kind of attention, and I have many creative interests. And exercising or writing or drawing or photography or 3D modelling or homelabbing isn’t neccessarily decompression time. It certainly can be; but sometimes I also want to watch the cool show or read the dimension hopping wizard book or assemble a pretty puzzle.
I don’t really mind the doing of the mundanities of life, as stated above. I would rather not need to. Having fairy housekeepers would be nice.
I consistently look forward to:
Some of the mundanities can be front-loaded or outsourced. Meal prepping, frozn meals and take-out solve the food production is too much problem day-to-day (take-out isn’t economically an option very often though). Laundry can be batched, as can grocery shopping. A great deal more intentionality in when tasks occur seems neccessary. I don’t have a fairy house cleaning service; and cannot afford a mundane one. I need to let go of my own demands – I can only prioritize so many things.
The final step of the values-based integration journey begins. It is now time to tie it all together, and maybe gain some personal insight.
First, I must revisit the “Identifying Values” step. I deliberately held this piece of the puzzle somewhat wrong; which creates an issue. I only defined one value: the freedom to just be, without worry of how.
A quick rundown:
So, which values can I glean from these exercises (and maybe some of the other writing related to the book)?
I need to do things that matter. They can matter to me, or to someone I care for and about, or go toward making the world less horrible. The care and nurture aspect of my work, or the personal project of knowing myself better, like all this writing.
Conversely, I can find it hard and/or frustrating to not have a purpose. I loathe looking up from reels on my phone and suddenly an hour or more have gone
I need (to feel like I) understand the why of things. I still remember a meltdown? from when I was maybe 8, helping with chores. Using two rags to clean seemed excessive to me. My mother couldn’t explain it better than ‘because that is how it is done’; which frustrated me to no end. I also quite prefer clear parameters for progress and success if at all possible.
Just being is a core value. Some people I can be around more easily than others, sometimes I need time alone to decompress.
Of course, If I overindulge in this impulse, I risk turning into a lonely recluse, even more than now is the case.
I am almost through the exercises and worksheets in “Unmasking Autism”. Now we have come to communication needs. This is a topic of certain friction in our household, actually.
There was a whole section on “strawberry people” (pp. 203 onward in “Unmasking Autism”) that I found interesting. But also rather depressing, to be frank.
I don’t currently have strawberry people, and I don’t think I have had any for a long while. Outside of family, whom I see way too seldom. Could I hang out and play games and watch movies with my brothers more often, that would go a long way.
But many of the prompts in this section struck home., some from this year.
I am afraid people will abandon me, from bitter experience, some of it as recently as this fall. I thus don’t have many people I can reach out to.
I have discarded some relationships that were exhausting me, maybe a little prematurely. I don’t have much dead weight, I have nothing at all.
And that makes me hella sad. Fuck, I am actually very very lonely. I mean; I knew that. But typing it up does make it more real.
While not included in the worksheets online, there was a challenge listed on page 187 of “Unmasking Autism” that I’m gonna talk about.
Everyday unmasking. Be radically visible, or: let my freak flag fly.
How can I go about that, though? To say it with delicious deliberate alliteration; I am somewhat conscious of being conspicuous. And for some kinds of self expression there is also a practicality element to keep in mind.
But there are things I could do more of, or less self-consciously at least:
There was a collection of challenges that were along the lines of keeping social resources in check. This is more of a challenge. I have a family and am a father, so anticipating others emotions is kind of my job. It’s a hard job sometimes, mind. And when this also has been a central component of my jobby-job as well… there’s a lot of wear and tear.
I am working on just taking action. My wife also has some flavours of neurodivergence, and keeping some decision fatigue from her is actually helpful for both of us.
This turned out quite rambly actually. Masking in general has been on my mind a lot. How much of my behavior is actually me? This will be interesting to unpack, at least.
I am now out of the special interest week series of posts that were dragging me down slightly. Today, the exercise is a reflection on meaningful things.
Without further ado; but with some difficulty:
The way i met and made contact with my (very likely ADHD) wife is rather autistic coded. The story itself will keep, though.
Oh okay this is hard actually. Let’s see…
The topic for the final day of Special Interest week is examples of positivity in my life, derived from my special interests. Writing out the draft for this post was a little overwhelming. I might well do better to celebrate positivity more often.
In the introductory post, I mentioned a confidence in learning new things. “I’ll probably figure that out” has mostly turned out to be true. It is not at all that difficult to change brake pads on bicycle disc brakes, it turns out. Next I need to change gear cables on my son’s old racer, which will probably cost a bit of cussing and frustration. It will turn out fine in the end, I am sure.
Other examples:
I am also interested in dog training. My last dog was a Lot of Dog, which led me to meet many nice people on Instagram. I had 3 and a half years in that wonderful community.
My fitness fascination enabled me to lose a great deal of weight a few years ago, and also made it possible for me to do 170 kg 5x5 a few weeks ago.
So many cool role playing moments from my story affinity, and many exiting hours spent in Hogwarts, Middle Earth, the Seven Kingdoms, the Americas of the Gods, and the far reaches of space and time.
I started training around 14 years old, running and calisthenics. At 17 I switched to an athletically focused high school. I have gone deep into rabbit holes on periodization and other programming. Mostly, I appreciate how simple the principles are. Do more of thing you want better, it get better, for specific training. For general fitness, it is quite similar: Find some movement you at least don’t mind, and maybe even enjoy, and do it regularly.
And also the ’tism likes to see number go up.
Simple is not at all easy, mind. And many peoples general fitness levels would be greatly improved by some more specific training exercises. Some pulling and pushing with the upper body, and some hip mobility, maybe even loaded.
This is an interest I share with my eldest son. And he seems to enjoy it for much the same reasons: Effort put in according to a plan gives predictable and consistent results. And we can both agree that many internet fit-fluencers are full of shit and need to stop overcomplicating things. To illustrate:
What is the optimal split? If optimizing for hypertrophy (not everyone does), probably 2-3 times/week for the same muscle group. But really, whichever makes it easier to be consistent. If that means every day for an hour, or once to twice a week where it can fit in, so be it. If going very frequently, be aware of rotating focus on consecutive days. If less frequently, stick to a program for a while, and keep intensity and/or volume high.
Until my current sick leave period, I made great progress training one to three times a week.
I have been fascinated by how and why people do what they do for a long while. Mostly I have been aware of this on a macro level. History and civics were fun subjects in school, and I still enjoy long historical videos on YouTube. And see also: my fascination with the Why? of Christianity. And I have a Masters in sociology, probably not at all incidentally.
This interest might also be on a more personal, micro level than I’ve consciosly realized. I kinda sorta backed into caregiving/in-home aid, helped along with a splash of nepotism. I rather quickly found out that I didn’t mind the work at all, and that I was good at it.
Maybe, perhaps, I’ve parlayed an above-average interest in Why People Do That into a career based on answering exactly that question. Answering it in a more narrow scope, mind, working with people with a rather particular and peculiar outlook on the world. People that have rather profound support needs autism in fact (this is an oversimplification of their challenges, but close enough for government work).
It isn’t for nothing I’ve put those Magical Moments that happen in this line of work down as examples of when I feel truly alive. Even now it is difficult to describe properly. There is a unity of existence that can happen when two people align like that.
Facilitating that alignment is hard work though. And it has worn me down over the couple decades I have been in the field. Currently been off work sick for 2 months; with 2 more to go; and my doctor’s word confirming I am not suited for caregiving jobs at the moment.
I would not at all mind utilizing my many years of experience in a related job. Consultation services such as VISO, or the quality inspection function of the field. I also would not mind a teaching position; shaping other minds in preparation for a stint as People Understander.