The topic for this day - collections - didn’t have a big “oh yeah that” thing I collect to serve as a headline. I have been, and am still, fascinated by collections of certain kinds.
Book series as I read them, preferrably the same print run, so the sizes and covers make a coherent whole. Did have quite a few CDs back in the day, but not in a very organized way. All this physical media stuff died off in our home quite a few years back, when we got into a “gaaah too many things kick” and gave almost all of it away. Rather regret downsizing quite so aggressively now though. Having physical representations of books in particular seems like it would be nice now.
I do have a NAS though, and have had one since I was… 17 i think. And digital collections are “free”, and can be as elaborate as desired. I have spent rather a lot of time collecting MP3s and making sure metadata and filenames are correct. Now, I mostly trust the management software to handle the organizing part; but there is still a certain joy in figuring out which versions I want, and fine-tuning the software to suit. I now have more music than I can listen to and more ebooks than I can read.
I almost enjoy the act of organizing collections as much as the collections themselves.
I don’t collect many physical items though. I quite enjoy a good mechanical keyboard, or headphones. I don’t see a need in getting more when what I have is quite adequate, though. I would kind of like a new keyboard, but that is mostly to improve ergonomics, with a more agressive tenting and a thumb sculpt-out. Mini Dactyl style.
There is an argument that I collect tools for hobbies. I have a full set of color pencils, and watercolor pencils, I haven’t used. I do intellectually want to learn to use these things. I don’t take much time to draw at all though, despite being reasonably good at it.
One proper, actual collection I have is my stack of journals going back to 2018. I keep them because I want to; and they might even be useful to a family historian at some point.
I grew up quite solidly and confidently Christian. The local Baptist church was our primary community, and quite a few volunteer hours were spent there.
It was also nice, in a way incidental to the religion part. We were not merely correct, we were right; and the world could not bring us down, for the Lord stood with us. This also meant there was a certain license for me to be a little quirky. If the others didn’t quite understand me, I had the Lord in my heart. And I was quite the fervent student; consuming both the Bible and Christian literature. I was quite enthralled by a book series about magical angel bicycles that could fly, and their snake counterparts…
That is not my outlook on things now. Christianity is a special interest that has changed over time, rather dramatically.
I stepped away from the unwavering faith around 13-14 years old. Cracks had started to form earlier though. I was maybe 10 when I found it extremely convenient that god apparently told Moses to make his brother Aaron the high priest. As I got older, I got quite comfortably atheist; and increasingly appalled at the cruelty imposed by certain Christian groups, and how it is intensifying even now. Such cruelty and hatred!
A few years ago, I fell into biblical studies, kinda. YouTube lectures and interviews by and of scholars of biblical studies, at least. Debunkings and refutals of the delusions and wilful ignorance of apologists (the Gospels are not, in fact, eyewitness accounts) along with discussions on how the text has come together.
I am still quite fascinated by the Bible. But as literature, that describes how a Caananite tribe developed monotheism out of a polytheistic origin, and how the marks of the editors can be seen throughout.
And I might be recontextualizing my religious upbringing somewhat.
The actual theme of this day was “your newest special interest”. At the time of writing, that would have been 3D printing, but that was quite a few weeks ago, and I have had other desired outcomes lead to deep rabbit hole spelunking.
That is a rather peculiar observation about me: I will start to want to do something, and thus be quite interested in doing it properly; for certain values of “properly” at least, and up to a point.
And/or learn something new, begin fumbling about, and going deeper and deeper into understanding the why of something.
But anyway. 3D printing. The trajectory from “finding cool designs that work well enough” on MakerWorld (which, tbf, is the best way to solve a problem – don’t do it yourself!) to “mess around in FreeCAD for a few hours to make a player card insert for Catan” was pretty fast. And, ofcourse, Gridfinity is excellent. More efficient storage (and some downsizing while I had everything out) made 4 Ikea Helmer drawer units fit into 2, with some room to breathe.
3D printing is it’s own rabbit hole. Apparently, beyond certain filaments being better suited to particular tasks, how filament is stored also matters. PETG really really likes water, for example; so a filament dryer can be quite useful. And the filament can be calibrated further, to have a bespoke profile. Also results are best if temperatures around the print head and bed are consistent, so an enclosure can be useful.
And, as I touched on above, the beauty of 3D printing is having a thought and making it manifest, cheaply and easily. And, because my principles do matter to me sometimes, I chose FreeCAD. Less turnkey than Autodesk Fusion, but also completely free.
And here is another rabbit trail. FreeCAD is more than a little particular to use, while being very powerful. Thus, there are some workflows that make less sense than others just because, and an order of operations that matters greatly. And why the hell is my sketch still unconstrained?
Having a whole model break because of one change is rather something too. So powerful, yet so brittle…
Stories. A wondrous place to visit, retreat to. Something to dissect and see the mechanisms of, and still be amazed at the look behind the curtain. Something to craft myself, or in collaboration with others.
I have loved stories for as long as I can remember. I taught myself how to read at 6, and have read voraciously ever since. I was a regular and recognized by the librarians, reading Asterix, Lucky Luke, Goosebumps, Michael Ende, Tolkien.
I even had a quota set by my parents at times. No more than 10 books a week! I mostly managed this.
This also extends to other media. I quite enjoy a good, complex TV show. Babylon 5 is the prime example of this. Many episodes and seasons to get to know characters is excellent - when done well. And even the flubs are often interesting. No, there wasn’t much of a plan in the new Battlestar Galactica; and the final season (we got, anyway) of Westworld was… rather all over the place. But interesting, nonetheless.
And even “bad” stories can be fun. Is the Arrowverse on CW the pinnacle of television? Absolutely not! Was it quite enjoyable while unwinding? Certainly!
Being well, no, plentifully, read (I am more for a good yarn than many “classics” turn out to be) also makes it fun to catch easter eggs and references. Old Man’s War has humans turning into nigh-immortal space orks, and I didn’t even notice the first time around, despite the green skin and murdering.
Interactive storytelling (videogames) has also been enjoyed on occasion. I am too impatient, or find it harder to settle maybe, with a game the past many years. Still remember my “whoa” after finishing Max Payne.
I am also an active participant in the creation of stories. I discovered old short stories from my childhood last year, for example. That was something I actually had forgotten I had done.
In my adult years, I’ve had elaborate worldbuilding documents for my RPG settings, and quite detailed backstories for my characters. Why does my cleric only have 12 CHA? Well, you see, he was a soldier, and a good one, but got called to the faith despite his lack of… natural magnetism.
I enjoy collaborative storytelling in general, and get to play much too little RPGs these days.
Active storytelling, or at least reframing of narratives, has also been a central part of my career. I shall let past me talk about that, on the other blog.
It has been a good month since I last typed out a response to the exercises in “Unmasking Autism”. I have, however, spent a week around the time of the last entry celebrating my special interests.
In short, this was a week (and I actually did it for a calendar week. Well, thursday through Wednesday) to reflect on my special interests through the years. Why I have battled a certain resistance to actually typing this out; I suspect a combination of factors
I have had a rough time with my stress reaction and sick leave. For a while, I was not clear on the short time plan to manage my situation; and until I had that covered, there was a period start December my spirits were decidedly low.
I am neck deep in a new/resurgent special interest: server management and orchestration. Apparently, black friday deals can be had for VPSes. I now have three, naturally, to serve monitoring, vpn, and backup purposes. The third one… will be used for something. I am sure.
But such servers and services cannot be merely stood up and tinkered on. Oh no. They must be orchestrated. With ansible, naturally. Such fun! And, also, easier to dip into and out of as the fancy strikes and spirits are tolerably high.
Anyway. I will be regaling, well, myself mostly, with tales of my special interests.
My oldest special interest: Stories and storytelling have been important to me as far as I can remember.
My newest special interest: At time of writing, it was 3D printing and modelling. I designed a shelf riser! All by my lonesome. And it came off my monitor and into the real world. Also, see above.
A special interest that has changed over time: I grew up a fervent Christian, as previously mentioned in this series of exercises. Those days are well past me; but I still am quite fascinated by the stories behind the stories.
A special interest that is collected or collections: I like to have or try board games and read books. Now my collection mostly is digital, with far more ebooks than I could ever read.
A special interest that has shaped my life the most: Not quite understanding people growing up has led to working for a couple decades as a people-understander. People with quite specific needs and outlook on the world, mind.
A special interest I share with someone: Training, an interest I have rubbed on to my eldest. Not fitness in general, or working out broadly. Training, for a purpose, smartly.
What is something positive my special interest have brought to my life: A general confidence in being able to learn about more-or-less necessary things.
I shall be expanding on these prompts across the next few posts in this series.
And so we return to the values-based integration concept. It is time to revisit the five stories from the end of chapter 1. The task at hand: identify key words that describe each moment; and see what patterns emerge.
In this environment, my knowledge was rewarded. It was also a rather structured environment, with set mealtimes et cetera.
There was a sense of purpose enveloping the religious indoctrination as well. Not quite the american Evangelical warriors for Christ idea, but still. There was rather a sense of serving a greater order.
This is an interesting contrast. In this arena, I could disregard any preconceived notions of who I was, or was supposed to be. The rude, foul mouthed persona was strange, but also liberating.
The familiar, shared rituals in the chaos - and a chaos that I can opt into or out of. If you want to engage in ritualistic combat in the mosh pit or the wall of death, go for it. But if you don’t want to join, there is a respect for that too.
My abilities and competencies are rewarded in these moments. My attention to detail, my perceptiveness, my ability to notice patterns in behavior. I get immediate feedback if I have any influence on the other; both positive and negative.
The immediacy is both freeing and demanding. An action is demanded in one-on-one aid settings; at all times. In-action is an action all of its own. This is also freeing, in that any action taken is the action taken; and cannot be debated in the moment. Later reflection is often needed, and can inform future actions; but in the moment there is only me and the other.
This is a kind of dissociating all of its own I guess. But less “who is this person I am piloting around the world” and more “there is no I, there is no me, there is only being”. No demands (excepting my annoying flesh suit sometimes).
I quite value clear expectations and demands. This framework allows me to let go of self-limiting behavior, and exist more freely.
“Just Existing” without worry about “how” seems to sum these stories up quite nicely. There are rather clear expectations on how to act as a Christian, at Red Cross camp, or at metal shows. The intense nature of my care work leaves no room to think; and in creative flow there is only creation.
After all this talk of autisms downsides and effects, the next chapter in “Unmasking Autism” has the reader adopt a positive view on their autistic traits.
The [accompanying worksheets][1] list many of the same traits as the negative autistic stereotypes encountered previously, quite on purpose. Much as the degree and nature of a handicap is contexually dependent; so is the positive or negative valence of any personal traits.
Here goes. Format is
I am not negative trait, I am positive reframing.I value this because…
I am not arrogant, I am confident in my own abilities, and stand by my principles.
I am not cold, I am analytical, and notice patterns and connections. This is very useful at work, where I need to be very attuned to how, why and when the young people in my charge react the way they do.
I am not loud, I am enthusiastic (well… a little loud maybe). I feel so intently!
I am not childish, I am open-minded and playful; and am no stranger to being silly. Quite useful at work! Many situations are helped along if inhibitions are lowered slightly.
I am not sensitive, I am perceptive; emotionally attuned. This ties in to the analytical part mentioned above, and is more or less the basis for me doing my job.
I am not weird, I am unconventional. I have played the role of a straight man so often that it has become habit to some extent. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve had less fucks to give about, say, fashion. I’ll have a full beard and trousers that actually fit, thankyouverymuch. And if women can wear leggings and a sweathshirt, I certainly can too!
Page 111 of “Unmasking Autism” has a list of common coping strategies among the autistic population. This is not included as a worksheet/extended ebook content, but I found the resonance and recognition I saw with my own behavior interesting. There were five groups of behaviors, and I could see myself in nearly all of them.
As part of my ongoing leave of absence from work due to poor mental health/burnout, I took stock of my alcohol habits. I tended to have a nightcap most nights - usually just one beer, or pour of rum, or glass of wine. I’ve been off that habit for the last two weeks (but have been drinking socially); and almost don’t miss it. I did kinda want a drink with me as I was gathering notes the evening before a doctor’s appointment.
I also drink a lot of coffee - around one and a half to two pots a day, more if I’m working. It routinely is bad enough that I need a nighttime caffeine hit around 19 ish, to avoid caffeine withdrawal in the morning.
I have since cut back to around one pot, or 4 cups. I must regretfully conclude, that this indeed has a positive impact on sleep duration in particular.
And I smoke. I know. Don’t tell me. I’ve quit for months at a time previously. Not even a lot. Is it the “this time is just for me” aspect? Or the social aspect? The stimulant aspect is ofc also a part of it…
I have not fallen into eating disorders, but I have had somewhat unhinged eating behaviors, both to lose and gain weight. I’ve weighed ingredients and made recipes in MyFitnessPal to lose 13 kg over 7 months, and eaten 4500 kcal per day to gain weight while training hard. And it works! Great satisfaction is felt from being hungry between meals, and from seeing the mass packing on.
But it is also sooo much work. And a hassle at meal times. I planned around social eating though – bringing my own food was a bridge too far.
Generally, I’ve enjoyed certain rules over food intake, particularly the control it gives me. A stealth example was giving up snacks and sweets for Lent one year. I could eat desserts in social settings, but a modest portion; and no seconds.
This way lies eating disorders, though.
I also enjoy training - both the sensation during and after exertion, as well as the planning and programming part, where a well planned periodization makes number go up.
To some extent, this is a skill i need to use at work. All my adult life ive worked as a caretaker, usually of people with less than ample resources; be it cognitively, socially, or internally. When an explosive reaction is the only one that seems available; a certain level of detachment is necessary to be the calm at the center of the storm. I quite often explicitly frame these incidents as not being about the ‘real me’, but instead the ‘professional me’.
I’ve not considered that I tend to do this in social settings too, but it became very obvious to me that I did this weekend.
I like going to metal shows. The music, the energy, the rituals. In the pit, I can stop thinking, and just exist. So I was quite pleased that I landed a volunteering gig at the local metal fest this year.
However. I had no energy in my current burnout era to fight ritualistically to distorted guitars - not even to just hang out and enjoy many of the shows. It was a very strange and very piloting-a-meat-suit experience.
And of course there is reading. I spent most of grade school with a book during recess; rather than failing to integrate into the social dynamics at school. Lately there has been a lot of doomscrolling; which I am actively trying to direct back into actual books
And of course, I am hardly ever out and about or doing chores without my emotional support headphones. They used to be for music (I actually had a Zune!), but have increasingly been filled with podcasts and youtube lectures.
Which podcasts, and wether I need more gloomy perspectives on the world around us, is a matter for another day.
My whole childhood was devoutly Baptist. My family’s social circle was at church, and I’ve spent many many summers at bible camp. My mother (who probably has a lot to gain from these exercises too) is still very personally devout.
Looking through old notebooks and messages, the certainty of the church messaging was very comforting, and also gave a certain license to be “extra”. I had seen the light and was saved, and could be steadfast in that knowledge.
Around the age of 13 or so I distanced myself from religion. I still have a fascination for the history of religion and Christianity, and enjoy many a podcast and lecture on the topic.
I still have a rather rigid sense of “rightness”, particularly when it is the little guy against the Man.
Page 135 has a reflection tool for how people pleasing can manifest:
I don’t feel like many people know the “real” me - I limit my nerdsplaining in polite company, for instance.
I do know how to say no, but less so in close relationships. Paradoxically, because my wife is sure to listen. It would be nice if she could ask the real question sometimes though. Danish polite construction around tasks is something like “would you like to..”. A truthful answer is often no, I do not want to take out the trash. I don’t at all mind doing it, but you asked if I wanted to.
I do not spend time worrying overmuch on other peoples feelings or managing them. Except.. I do sometimes just do tasks instead of trying to wrangle others around.
I don’t think I betray my own ideals for the social good? I survived school by being the weird kid with the book, I can be the weird adult.
I also tend to step away from social conflicts and stay uninvolved. I do not dig, I do not serve tea. Leaving the social baggage to the social butterflies serves me well.
Damn, that got long. And took two days, on and off. This reflection business is hard work.
I don’t have many friends,
hard time saying no, even when it will be heard
A big part of “Unmasking Autism” is about recognizing the mask for what it is. This is not always straightforward if the mask is highly internalized. Today’s exercise is all about uncovering how, consciously or not, I might have modified my behavior to some greater or lesser degree; and crucially, hopefully, shedding a light on why.
The work sheet consists of a trait commonly associated with autistic people, and common strategies adopted to hide or overcompensate for them, in the format
I was told it was bad to be _ _ so I had to pretend to be _ _ by behaving this way
I was told it was bad to be annoying and loud, so I pretended to be agreeable and quiet by
I was told it was bad to be childish, so i pretended(?) to be mature by
I was told it was bad to be sensitive, so I pretended to be strong by
I’ve noticed that I tend to abandon some of these sometimes, as I get older. I can get very loud indeed if there is engaging discussion going on. I am still a knowledge sponge, but I am not afraid to play and have fun openly.
The introspection continues. Chapter 3 of “Unmasking Autism” contains an excercise to explore the purpose of the mask.
We moved a LONG way in 1997. I was 12, and had just begun to enter puberty. Very early on in the school year there was a party of sorts, which eventually had a slow dancing component. I actually danced with a few girls. That part was great.
Later, however, there was an idea spreading that I had wandering hands or similiar; something I could not comprehend. I did realize there was some kind of social rule or expectation I hadn’t quite followed.
Still, nearly 30 years later, I am bewildered, confused and sad. What (if anything) gave people the wrong impression? Or was it run of the mill bullying? I was a weird kid (turns out).
There is a certain through line of social ineptitude here.
The idea of having been inappropriate/rude/creepy put me off. I certainly didn’t want to give off that impression - and still don’t! I do not want to come off as a lecherous pig.
…easygoing so that people will like me; but deep down I know that I’m not.
… IDK about this one. Nothing springs to mind.