And so we return to the values-based integration concept. It is time to revisit the five stories from the end of chapter 1. The task at hand: identify key words that describe each moment; and see what patterns emerge.
In this environment, my knowledge was rewarded. It was also a rather structured environment, with set mealtimes et cetera.
There was a sense of purpose enveloping the religious indoctrination as well. Not quite the american Evangelical warriors for Christ idea, but still. There was rather a sense of serving a greater order.
This is an interesting contrast. In this arena, I could disregard any preconceived notions of who I was, or was supposed to be. The rude, foul mouthed persona was strange, but also liberating.
The familiar, shared rituals in the chaos - and a chaos that I can opt into or out of. If you want to engage in ritualistic combat in the mosh pit or the wall of death, go for it. But if you don’t want to join, there is a respect for that too.
My abilities and competencies are rewarded in these moments. My attention to detail, my perceptiveness, my ability to notice patterns in behavior. I get immediate feedback if I have any influence on the other; both positive and negative.
The immediacy is both freeing and demanding. An action is demanded in one-on-one aid settings; at all times. In-action is an action all of its own. This is also freeing, in that any action taken is the action taken; and cannot be debated in the moment. Later reflection is often needed, and can inform future actions; but in the moment there is only me and the other.
This is a kind of dissociating all of its own I guess. But less “who is this person I am piloting around the world” and more “there is no I, there is no me, there is only being”. No demands (excepting my annoying flesh suit sometimes).
I quite value clear expectations and demands. This framework allows me to let go of self-limiting behavior, and exist more freely.
“Just Existing” without worry about “how” seems to sum these stories up quite nicely. There are rather clear expectations on how to act as a Christian, at Red Cross camp, or at metal shows. The intense nature of my care work leaves no room to think; and in creative flow there is only creation.
After all this talk of autisms downsides and effects, the next chapter in “Unmasking Autism” has the reader adopt a positive view on their autistic traits.
The [accompanying worksheets][1] list many of the same traits as the negative autistic stereotypes encountered previously, quite on purpose. Much as the degree and nature of a handicap is contexually dependent; so is the positive or negative valence of any personal traits.
Here goes. Format is
I am not negative trait, I am positive reframing.I value this because…
I am not arrogant, I am confident in my own abilities, and stand by my principles.
I am not cold, I am analytical, and notice patterns and connections. This is very useful at work, where I need to be very attuned to how, why and when the young people in my charge react the way they do.
I am not loud, I am enthusiastic (well… a little loud maybe). I feel so intently!
I am not childish, I am open-minded and playful; and am no stranger to being silly. Quite useful at work! Many situations are helped along if inhibitions are lowered slightly.
I am not sensitive, I am perceptive; emotionally attuned. This ties in to the analytical part mentioned above, and is more or less the basis for me doing my job.
I am not weird, I am unconventional. I have played the role of a straight man so often that it has become habit to some extent. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve had less fucks to give about, say, fashion. I’ll have a full beard and trousers that actually fit, thankyouverymuch. And if women can wear leggings and a sweathshirt, I certainly can too!
Page 111 of “Unmasking Autism” has a list of common coping strategies among the autistic population. This is not included as a worksheet/extended ebook content, but I found the resonance and recognition I saw with my own behavior interesting. There were five groups of behaviors, and I could see myself in nearly all of them.
As part of my ongoing leave of absence from work due to poor mental health/burnout, I took stock of my alcohol habits. I tended to have a nightcap most nights - usually just one beer, or pour of rum, or glass of wine. I’ve been off that habit for the last two weeks (but have been drinking socially); and almost don’t miss it. I did kinda want a drink with me as I was gathering notes the evening before a doctor’s appointment.
I also drink a lot of coffee - around one and a half to two pots a day, more if I’m working. It routinely is bad enough that I need a nighttime caffeine hit around 19 ish, to avoid caffeine withdrawal in the morning.
I have since cut back to around one pot, or 4 cups. I must regretfully conclude, that this indeed has a positive impact on sleep duration in particular.
And I smoke. I know. Don’t tell me. I’ve quit for months at a time previously. Not even a lot. Is it the “this time is just for me” aspect? Or the social aspect? The stimulant aspect is ofc also a part of it…
I have not fallen into eating disorders, but I have had somewhat unhinged eating behaviors, both to lose and gain weight. I’ve weighed ingredients and made recipes in MyFitnessPal to lose 13 kg over 7 months, and eaten 4500 kcal per day to gain weight while training hard. And it works! Great satisfaction is felt from being hungry between meals, and from seeing the mass packing on.
But it is also sooo much work. And a hassle at meal times. I planned around social eating though – bringing my own food was a bridge too far.
Generally, I’ve enjoyed certain rules over food intake, particularly the control it gives me. A stealth example was giving up snacks and sweets for Lent one year. I could eat desserts in social settings, but a modest portion; and no seconds.
This way lies eating disorders, though.
I also enjoy training - both the sensation during and after exertion, as well as the planning and programming part, where a well planned periodization makes number go up.
To some extent, this is a skill i need to use at work. All my adult life ive worked as a caretaker, usually of people with less than ample resources; be it cognitively, socially, or internally. When an explosive reaction is the only one that seems available; a certain level of detachment is necessary to be the calm at the center of the storm. I quite often explicitly frame these incidents as not being about the ‘real me’, but instead the ‘professional me’.
I’ve not considered that I tend to do this in social settings too, but it became very obvious to me that I did this weekend.
I like going to metal shows. The music, the energy, the rituals. In the pit, I can stop thinking, and just exist. So I was quite pleased that I landed a volunteering gig at the local metal fest this year.
However. I had no energy in my current burnout era to fight ritualistically to distorted guitars - not even to just hang out and enjoy many of the shows. It was a very strange and very piloting-a-meat-suit experience.
And of course there is reading. I spent most of grade school with a book during recess; rather than failing to integrate into the social dynamics at school. Lately there has been a lot of doomscrolling; which I am actively trying to direct back into actual books
And of course, I am hardly ever out and about or doing chores without my emotional support headphones. They used to be for music (I actually had a Zune!), but have increasingly been filled with podcasts and youtube lectures.
Which podcasts, and wether I need more gloomy perspectives on the world around us, is a matter for another day.
My whole childhood was devoutly Baptist. My family’s social circle was at church, and I’ve spent many many summers at bible camp. My mother (who probably has a lot to gain from these exercises too) is still very personally devout.
Looking through old notebooks and messages, the certainty of the church messaging was very comforting, and also gave a certain license to be “extra”. I had seen the light and was saved, and could be steadfast in that knowledge.
Around the age of 13 or so I distanced myself from religion. I still have a fascination for the history of religion and Christianity, and enjoy many a podcast and lecture on the topic.
I still have a rather rigid sense of “rightness”, particularly when it is the little guy against the Man.
Page 135 has a reflection tool for how people pleasing can manifest:
I don’t feel like many people know the “real” me - I limit my nerdsplaining in polite company, for instance.
I do know how to say no, but less so in close relationships. Paradoxically, because my wife is sure to listen. It would be nice if she could ask the real question sometimes though. Danish polite construction around tasks is something like “would you like to..”. A truthful answer is often no, I do not want to take out the trash. I don’t at all mind doing it, but you asked if I wanted to.
I do not spend time worrying overmuch on other peoples feelings or managing them. Except.. I do sometimes just do tasks instead of trying to wrangle others around.
I don’t think I betray my own ideals for the social good? I survived school by being the weird kid with the book, I can be the weird adult.
I also tend to step away from social conflicts and stay uninvolved. I do not dig, I do not serve tea. Leaving the social baggage to the social butterflies serves me well.
Damn, that got long. And took two days, on and off. This reflection business is hard work.
I don’t have many friends,
hard time saying no, even when it will be heard
A big part of “Unmasking Autism” is about recognizing the mask for what it is. This is not always straightforward if the mask is highly internalized. Today’s exercise is all about uncovering how, consciously or not, I might have modified my behavior to some greater or lesser degree; and crucially, hopefully, shedding a light on why.
The work sheet consists of a trait commonly associated with autistic people, and common strategies adopted to hide or overcompensate for them, in the format
I was told it was bad to be _ _ so I had to pretend to be _ _ by behaving this way
I was told it was bad to be annoying and loud, so I pretended to be agreeable and quiet by
I was told it was bad to be childish, so i pretended(?) to be mature by
I was told it was bad to be sensitive, so I pretended to be strong by
I’ve noticed that I tend to abandon some of these sometimes, as I get older. I can get very loud indeed if there is engaging discussion going on. I am still a knowledge sponge, but I am not afraid to play and have fun openly.
The introspection continues. Chapter 3 of “Unmasking Autism” contains an excercise to explore the purpose of the mask.
We moved a LONG way in 1997. I was 12, and had just begun to enter puberty. Very early on in the school year there was a party of sorts, which eventually had a slow dancing component. I actually danced with a few girls. That part was great.
Later, however, there was an idea spreading that I had wandering hands or similiar; something I could not comprehend. I did realize there was some kind of social rule or expectation I hadn’t quite followed.
Still, nearly 30 years later, I am bewildered, confused and sad. What (if anything) gave people the wrong impression? Or was it run of the mill bullying? I was a weird kid (turns out).
There is a certain through line of social ineptitude here.
The idea of having been inappropriate/rude/creepy put me off. I certainly didn’t want to give off that impression - and still don’t! I do not want to come off as a lecherous pig.
…easygoing so that people will like me; but deep down I know that I’m not.
… IDK about this one. Nothing springs to mind.
The second worksheet in “Unmasking Autism” concerns autistic stereotypes in media, and how the reader relates to these.
There are quite a few depictions of autism and euro divergence in movies and TV. The archetype is Rain Man; but examples abound:
Less explicitly stated:
Ambiguous:
These characters all inhabit a certain socially acceptable quality despite and because of their, uh, quirks. Woo and Murphy are explicitly autistic; and display incapacitating meltdowns sometimes. They are also very very good at their jobs, and their confidence comes off as arrogance sometimes.
Sheldon is prickly and socially inept, and very autistic coded despite not being explicitly diagnosed in-show. His shortcomings are mostly played for (social) laughs though – all the nerds are extremely competent at what they do. Likewise Bones - she is hypercompetent, if sometimes less tethered to the social reality inhabited by Booth.
House is an arrogant, asocial asshole. It is unclear how much of this is because he is, in fact, an asocial asshole with competences to back up his arrogance; and how much of it is a, well, mask that is easy to perform. Dexter shows some autistic traits; even if the whole is more ambiguous. The “dark passenger” that compels him to kill is closer to schizofrenia, for instance. The (mostly) justified competence-based arrogance also carries Dexter Morgan, though.
The third question asks the reader to complete the sentence
Before I knew better, I assumed all autistic people were _____, _____, and ____.
This is rather complicated for me, as I’ve known explicitly autistic people (in a professional, care-giving context) my entire adult life. If I modify the question slightly, I’d say I assumed all low-needs/high masking autistic people were socially awkward, visibly affected to some degree, and at least pretty cabable within a certain subject matter or field.
How do I differ from these stereotypes?
I try not to take up too much room (inasmuch as a not-small beardy baldy can not dominate) within a social environment. I will advocate for myself or my charge in a professional context, however.
I seek out and crave certain types of social interaction within niche interests. I even made a goth club happen in Aalborg a couple decades ago; because I wanted that social space.
I am an incarnate generalist. I will assimilate enough information to a least be decent within almost any topic; from landscaping and fruit tree maintenance, to dog training, to 3D modelling, to fitness, to cooking. If there is true motivation (fitness, cooking, so far 3d modelling) I might even be pretty good.
I don’t recall anyone saying “but you don’t seem autistic” if I’ve broached the subject. The reaction has been more “what makes you think that”, followed by a “oh yeah” after I list at least a half dozen reasons for my suspicions.
Last weekend, I got “Unmasking Autism” by Devon Price in hand. It’s been reassuringly and unsettlingly relatable in many ways.
The values based integration process runs through the book; starting at the end of chapter one.
The first exercise is to locate 5 moments throughout the reader’s life where they felt FULLY ALIVE; and write these moments down, as detailed as possible, focusing on the why of these moments specifically.
My very Christian (baptist, but more progressive than not) upbringing was a simple time for me. The world was ordered, there was a purpose behind being a little weird. At Bible Camp, I could be the wee christian nerd, and be rewarded for it, even if i recall a slight bit of astonishment that I would end a prayer for good weather with “God’s plans aligning”. Maybe the farmers needed rain more than we needed fair swimming weather?
This hits for a different reason. I had mostly shed my Christian identity, and, for this Red Cross youth camp, I somehow settled on a prickly asshole persona. I still don’t know why, really; it did not come naturally, nor was it comfortable to inhabit. I still remember, over 25 years later, how freeing it was to care not at all about what others thought (or try not to, too much).
Do I know many people, or even have many friends? No.
Do I enjoy a metal show, and the rituals associated with the same? Yes.
So, the only logical conclusion is… to attend metal shows solo. And maybe even make some aquaintances along the way. We are all warriors in the Wall of Death.
Maintaining these one-night relationships is harder though; what with familial and work commitments.
Being able to calm a young girl down from a nonverbal tantrum; or seeing a young man understand an alternative form of communication; is truly rewarding for me. Knowing I could assess a situation and either in-the-moment or with a longer plan truly affect change in an other person is incredibly rewarding.
No, this is not a singular moment. Never mind that. Neither is the last item.
…like the typing of this post. Or tidying up our shed. Or designing a 3D printable solution for something. Getting lost in FreeCAD or lua configs. Optimizing a docker compose yaml for my own usecase.
It needs to serve a purpose other than just tinkering – but the purpose can be as simple as ‘it is better/more correct now’
All in all, a nice enough exercise.
My server has been in use for a few months, and has been performing admirably, running the usual self-hosted suspects; NextCloud, PleX, Unifi etc, as well as facilitating my thesis for my masters in educational sociology.
This is going great — but there was one nagging annoyance: the fan curve had a bit of hysteresis in it that ramped the fans up; then down; then up;then down. My server closet is pretty much in the middle of the house as well, so noise becomes annoying fast. And, it is a literal closet; so the thermal solution isn’t great. Oh, to have a basement or outhouse…
There is a fix, though: Changing the hysteresis profile associated with thermal sensor 1 in the DL380e.
this is achieved by running
fan t 0 hyst 2
from the iLO prompt.
Hysteresis profile 2 was selected on the basis of being the profile of all other sensors, except the PSU sensors. The front ambient sensors ran hysteresis profile 3 previously.
Fan utilization is now at a consistent 9.4-20-13-16-20-16 percent, which is decently quiet. The tradeoff, however, is higher component and ambient temperatures (all values in Celsius, at mostly idle):
Sensor Now Before
==========================
Ambient 28-33 26-32
Exhaust 47-50 44-46
P420 70-75 64-66
CPU 50-55 40-45
Disks 44-52 42-47
This, I’m willing to accept. YMMV. It is, however, imperative to actively cool the P420 - that’s a HOT chip.
Now, I want to investigate a R210ii fan swap. The higher ambient temps brought on by summer and, y’know, using this old thing, has set those fans (slightly) on fire. Those 40mm fans make their presence known!
You can change the threshold values with:
fan t <n> caut <offset from original value>
fan t <n> crit <offset from original caut>
But I haven’t had a chance or a need to mess around. There is also a lot of tunables per sensor regarding setpoints, gain values and somesuch. I get rather lost, rather quickly.
Last week, I had got my hands on a set of three Intel S3700 datacenter SSDs, and today was going to be the day I installed them.
The disk installation was straightforward enough. Legos and duct tape were involved. More on that some other time, perhaps.
So, I get disks in, I close up, and plug everything back in. And somehow I manage to kill the iLO management port along the way.
Well, the server still works. But now the iLO can’t be accessed over the network, which means my fan control scripts won’t work.
This greatly reduces the Everyone-In-The-House Acceptance Factor (EITHAF?), which is a problem, since I’ve actually, finally, started using the server for thesis word counting.
HPE has an utility for their servers called hponcfg, which allows you to set iLO parameters directly.
I goofed around with rpms and missing drivers in unRAID trying to get a sign of life from the iLO, but to no avail. It was dead.
Well, the network port was. No link light from either switch or iLO port, across multiple cables. A monitor allowed me to see what was going on; which indicated the iLO hardware otherwise was fine.
So: I needed to set the iLO to run on the onboard NIC of my 380e.
grml is the grumpy sound sysadmins make when they can’t automate every task in front of them. It is also a very capable live CD, based on Debian.
Download grml, and get it on a bootable USB somehow. I used Etcher.
Boot off the grml USB.
I added the boot parameters grml ssh=secret at the boot prompt to be able to ssh in.
hponcfg is available from HPE as part of the Management Component Pack.
To install it, first add the repository:
cat "deb http://downloads.linux.hpe.com/SDR/repo/mcp buster/current non-free" >> /etc/apt/sources.list.d/hp-mpc.list
and the GPG key:
curl http://downloads.linux.hpe.com/SDR/hpePublicKey2048_key1.pub | apt-key add -
pull a fresh list of packages, and install hponcfg:
apt-get update && apt-get install hponcfg
I really don’t like XML as a representation of data.
Too verbose.
But nevertheless; hponcfg consumes XML.
The following snippet tells the iLO to use the onboard NIC instead of the management port:
<!-- HPONCFG VERSION = "5.5.0" -->
<!-- Generated 5/12/2020 23:15:55 -->
<RIBCL VERSION="2.1">
<LOGIN USER_LOGIN="Administrator" PASSWORD="password">
<RIB_INFO MODE="write">
<MOD_NETWORK_SETTINGS>
<SHARED_NETWORK_PORT VALUE="Y"/>
</MOD_NETWORK_SETTINGS>
</RIB_INFO>
</LOGIN>
</RIBCL>
Save it on your grml live environment as, say, lom.xml, and apply the configuration with `hponcfg -f lom.xml. After a bit of time, the iLO will reset, and iLO is running off the onboard NIC.
I really want these tools in base unRAID, or at least the drivers for them.
After a iLO reset, it had forgotten to run off the shared networking interface.
Running the iLO off the LOM means that the server itself cannot ssh in to the iLO.
In the unRAID subreddit I came across someone needing to set up a ssh key for accessing files remotely.
There is, however, a step zero to perform before this can work.
When unRAID boots, most of the filesystem is copied from the boot USB into RAM.
This means that any changes will be lost upon a reboot.
Thus, simply doing mkdir /home/norseghost for user settings won’t work.
Persistent home is still possible, though.
Create a home directory somewhere on the array. My location is /mnt/user/system/home. I’ve set the share system to be cache-prefer.
Install the User Scripts plugin. Create a new script - let’s call it mount_home:
#!/bin/bash
mount -o bind /mnt/user/system/home /home
This bind-mounts the newly created home dir on to system /home.
Set it to run on array start. And run it now, while you’re at it.
Create another one - unmount_home:
#!/bin/bash
umount /home
Set that one to run on array stop. This is to enable array shutdown without “device busy” errors.
Now unRAID has a persistent home. Create a home directory for any user that would log in remotely:
root@unraid# mkdir /home/norseghost
chown norseghost:norseghost /home/norseghost.
And now you can add passwordless ssh login, shell profile customizations, or whatever.