Reflecting on the Need to Mask

The introspection continues. Chapter 3 of “Unmasking Autism” contains an excercise to explore the purpose of the mask.

Recall a situation where I felt intense embarrassment or shame

We moved a LONG way in 1997. I was 12, and had just begun to enter puberty. Very early on in the school year there was a party of sorts, which eventually had a slow dancing component. I actually danced with a few girls. That part was great.

Later, however, there was an idea spreading that I had wandering hands or similiar; something I could not comprehend. I did realize there was some kind of social rule or expectation I hadn’t quite followed.

Which emotions do I feel regarding this

Still, nearly 30 years later, I am bewildered, confused and sad. What (if anything) gave people the wrong impression? Or was it run of the mill bullying? I was a weird kid (turns out).

In that moment, everyone could see I was

  • awkward
  • inappropriate
  • immature
  • stupid
  • creepy
  • rude
  • clueless

There is a certain through line of social ineptitude here.

Which word is most painful to hear?

The idea of having been inappropriate/rude/creepy put me off. I certainly didn’t want to give off that impression - and still don’t! I do not want to come off as a lecherous pig.

I pretend to be …

…easygoing so that people will like me; but deep down I know that I’m not.

If I want people to like me, I can’t let them find out that…

… IDK about this one. Nothing springs to mind.