And so we return to the values-based integration concept. It is time to revisit the five stories from the end of chapter 1. The task at hand: identify key words that describe each moment; and see what patterns emerge.
In this environment, my knowledge was rewarded. It was also a rather structured environment, with set mealtimes et cetera.
There was a sense of purpose enveloping the religious indoctrination as well. Not quite the american Evangelical warriors for Christ idea, but still. There was rather a sense of serving a greater order.
This is an interesting contrast. In this arena, I could disregard any preconceived notions of who I was, or was supposed to be. The rude, foul mouthed persona was strange, but also liberating.
The familiar, shared rituals in the chaos - and a chaos that I can opt into or out of. If you want to engage in ritualistic combat in the mosh pit or the wall of death, go for it. But if you don’t want to join, there is a respect for that too.
My abilities and competencies are rewarded in these moments. My attention to detail, my perceptiveness, my ability to notice patterns in behavior. I get immediate feedback if I have any influence on the other; both positive and negative.
The immediacy is both freeing and demanding. An action is demanded in one-on-one aid settings; at all times. In-action is an action all of its own. This is also freeing, in that any action taken is the action taken; and cannot be debated in the moment. Later reflection is often needed, and can inform future actions; but in the moment there is only me and the other.
This is a kind of dissociating all of its own I guess. But less “who is this person I am piloting around the world” and more “there is no I, there is no me, there is only being”. No demands (excepting my annoying flesh suit sometimes).
I quite value clear expectations and demands. This framework allows me to let go of self-limiting behavior, and exist more freely.
“Just Existing” without worry about “how” seems to sum these stories up quite nicely. There are rather clear expectations on how to act as a Christian, at Red Cross camp, or at metal shows. The intense nature of my care work leaves no room to think; and in creative flow there is only creation.